Trying to capture the blue bird with a camera in the spindly tree with one flowered bud proved to be futile.
It has made me think once or thrice in the last hours since, that my love life was sorta similar.
Me equals the bluebird.
Sorta trapped in voice, caught up in a web that covered my hearts eye.
Searching for something so outside myself, I denied myself.
It comes with quite a jolt realizing I carried this torture for so long.
Pretending to be strong. I wasn’t. Did I give everything I have?
Not quite, says a piece of my soul. It has been given back again.
In Gods hands.
Moments of dot connecting.
Life giving life.
Sometimes backwards in my journey of self-defence.
Odds have been fought against when are backs have been to the fence.
I looked for that flame most every day.
Hands weak, heart strong.
I have wondered often where this is coming from.
Honeysuckle wind swept thoughts crashing at times as the sea I do admire.
Perhaps it reminds of you and I.
Standing alone against demons of our own.
Those should be sent away with the tide, white waters cleansing our souls.
October of last year I went on a bit of a rampage and having a catch phrase that went like this:
Fuck it, I’m Fifty.
Seems after having some years of shit residue, that was probably not the door I should have chosen to walk through.
A culmination of many I shouldn’t have made that particular choice in.
Regrets are few, more.
Whats done is done.
I had to learn to shut some doors and perhaps there are some memories better left suited in an armoire inside.
Turning the other cheek has always been my style so others wouldn’t see my trembling smile.
I wished to change that and came on much to strong. When my soul knew what to do all along.
Just forgot to listen.
Although luckily, blessedly, as it has just been revealed to me, another door opened. This one putting some things in perspective.
My 3 year old gbaby girl and I were hangin out and speaking of Lola. Her daddy, my sons companion for close to 10 years. A red pit bull with the most soulful eyes.
My little angel looked across the backyard and spoke of a lovely white gazebo. You could still see the white shining against the dark interior at this time of dusk. She told me, “Lola is in heaven, in the dark locked tower.”
This was some days ago when she regaled me wirh more words of a bad guy over to the left which we fended off together.
But just this very day it dawned on me that of course it would seem to a child that heaven is indeed, a dark place. After all, once you go through heavens gate, we usually think we will never get to see our beloveds again.
This is not true.
The lights shine more brilliantly, just hovering around us.
You’ll catch glimpes of this precious and beautiful thing if you faithfully trust in God.
I know that much for fact.
I am here to still hear that door opening.
And perhaps it’s the moment for a new mantra, like thank
She was a diamond, rough, oh yes, but still so beautiful, inside and out. She just needed the powerful help of souls related to her desires and needs in life.
She still has a lot to learn, forever we learn, she has heard somewhere. Every day, every minute she exists, her main goal is to expand her very own unchartered territory. The MIND. The most intense piece of machinery ever invented. The only thing that each of us have complete control over!
“Wonderful!” she says to herself.
If hers is going a little to fast for some that’s just fine.
She has decided today to go for every dream and fantasy.
For her, this is it.
No more mind disruptions. Disharmony is or has flowed to freely in her past life.
As of this very second she has freed herself of loves lost.
The love that only causes pain, which she knows is wrong.
You see, she had to pretend every little thing was okay but alas this was not so. To her every little thing was screwed up.
Since her birth, so obviously the wrong place and time. No, she takes that back. Everything has a reason my friend. She tries to remember those words especially.
There have been so many difficult, pleasurable, opposite, positives and negatives go on her life. She uses these though.
Do you see what she sees? Take a look now:
She saw the man, old and walking with the shuffled gait of his physical age. He certainly got his way around. She watched his attempt up the dirty, broken up, street curb.
She was in her car. The light turned green just at the moment that the guy in gray stuck his black hand out to hitch a ride.
She has not, for reasons of pure selfishness ( or is it self-love?) picked up a hitchhiker for a whole lotta years. She was 16 or so the last time.
Yet, she was compelled to stop. She has no fear at this moment, she can feel his energy from across the way. So, stop she does, stopped to pluck up the poor soul and transplant him to another space in his universe.
She noticed right off, the first glance at his beaten face caused a video to switch on. She felt his sorrows, his joys.
Justin was the name on the key chain, secured on the zipper of his worn wind breaker. She wonders if he is warm enough. Warm, body and soul. She hopes he will stay warm forever.
Together, they drive up the road. Listening to some fantastic rhythm and blues tunes. Music is a big part of everyone’s life. She knows this as he sings to her a little melody. The words sounding so sweet and charming.
She has tears in her eyes. He to she “Let me come with you, I will follow your star.” She cries again. He speaks her feeling so well.
He will always stay near. She tells him this. He and she are very smiley when she drops him off in his new space.
Can she remember the words he sang to her? Someday, some minute they will come back. Then again, she can breathe easier, knowing she made another smile.
One day soon, she will open her mouth and the words, His words, will come rolling right off her tongue!! Then she can remember some sweet, sweet smiles from the man who called himself Justin.
The petty pieces that get twisted so.
Cause failure and breakdown,
it reduces the flow.
Struggles taking us the bad way.
It’s already so hard,
Following our right directions.
Sooner than we think, we all pay.
Changing our destinies, already laid down.
Do we have the right to cause such destruction?
Should we not lift ourselves to the plane that
can save, and leave behind the black instruction?
There’s a place for each and all,
to feel the ultimate peace.
Replace the hurt and sorrow.
Just let it go.
Let it cease.
When we met,
whether on the street, in the air,
on the dance floor,
through a friend or
somewhere on a shore,
did I cause a ripple somehow?
That changed our course?
Were feelings invoked
Reality tugging at our fantasy.
Dieing leaves recieving moisture
The only things I knew
were my heart pulls.
Good, bad or ugly,
I kept chasing
and taking everything
Never knowing the impact,
the violent crashes that
tried to take me down.
I feel alive and grateful
for staying true.
It was a merciful grace
that led me through.
Day mares and
have finally subsided.
Fear replaced with
Letting me breathe
in the freshness of this