Love, my way.

I stood outside, just now.
Winds whipping about,
crisp and cool.
Dragging my thoughts
around.
To create a different brew.
The love I gave was as honest
and true,
as I could give.

Touches of pure love
don’t happen much.
I honestly loved you,
I can say.
Blessed is how I feel this day.

Understanding now,
the depth of what
remained within,
had no choice but to
reach out to another.

Lover, brother, sister, mother,
I longed for these “things”.
Today, I am these “things”.

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Living on the edge

Edginess.  It is a very cool word.  Yet, to feel as if you are “edgy” is not so cool.

Tensions seem to climb in a house such as ours.  Our closeness stems from honesty, realness and a dose of Mary Poppins, on occasion.

My youngest younger turns 18 in a few.  My oldest made a wrong turn and began with the heavy shit at 18.  I started bringing life at  18.

Jordan has not been of this World since that very same age.

So, here I am. Thank God I made it.

Looks as if my C will make it too.  The struggles, challenges, suffers, beauties and booties have left scars slashed but my Soul in tact.

Still on the edge, I just know where I am falling this time.

Moments in my madness

Getting to spend time with my youngest youngers, with a pop over visit from an older of my youngers! was heart warming and info ridden.

I don’t get much time with my boy/mens these days, it’s that age and I get it but I cannot help but think about how every second of my life, pretty much, was wrapped tightly around them. Now they are off into the days and nights with the reckless abandon that young ones get to do! Which I dig and don’t. I can’t help that this is a hurtful thing right now. The saddest part is that I’ve been trying to get through this fact that the offspring will be leaving this cocoon soon, by about 2 years now. Still the thought of it all is a bit overwhelming.

What happens when everything you know changes? Like with a death that you thought could never happen to you, a divorce, children leaving? You just get goin. Hopefully, as I so blessedly did, there are people around you who care deeply and will do anything to help set you right.

At least this time I did, this tragedy that shook my world so I thought I could feel my womb splitting. The massive love of three new grand-babies in three years did it too:-)Usually, I am alone and struggling with whatever life issues I may be facing. Lets see, cancer, abusive men, uncaring fathers, no father, no family that really gave two shits.

I was reminded of that, harshly and heart wrenchingly so when I had to visit the courthouse with my son just a few days back. Driving there, no problem, when I arrive on foot and stare up at that building where so much of mine and my son’s lives played out, I just shiver. Bravely I try to hide the ugliness that tries to take over so I  then instead,  write in my journal. Years of battle raged, waged over us…eeeww, it was horrible and soul sucking.

Then I thought back to the other court-house I had to hang out recently also. Where my first divorce took place at 21 yrs old. Alone, facing a soon to be ex husband that for sure didnt’ want me going anywhere.

Anyway, what I guess I am trying to say is, when my precious boys do decide it’s time to leave, the last of my amazing five sons, I will face it alone. Journaling and fighting the beast that continually tries to bite at us. Difference is,  I feel like I am going to have the time of my life in my winter years!

Bring it on.