Memories of my mother,

Moments of dot connecting.
             Life giving life.
Sometimes backwards in my journey of self-defence.
Odds have been fought against when are backs have been to the fence.

I looked for that flame most every day.
Hands weak, heart strong.
I have wondered often where this is coming from.

Honeysuckle wind swept thoughts crashing at times as the sea I do admire.
Perhaps it reminds of you and I.
Standing alone against demons of our own.

Those should be sent away with the tide,  white waters cleansing our souls.

Advertisements

Living on the edge

Edginess.  It is a very cool word.  Yet, to feel as if you are “edgy” is not so cool.

Tensions seem to climb in a house such as ours.  Our closeness stems from honesty, realness and a dose of Mary Poppins, on occasion.

My youngest younger turns 18 in a few.  My oldest made a wrong turn and began with the heavy shit at 18.  I started bringing life at  18.

Jordan has not been of this World since that very same age.

So, here I am. Thank God I made it.

Looks as if my C will make it too.  The struggles, challenges, suffers, beauties and booties have left scars slashed but my Soul in tact.

Still on the edge, I just know where I am falling this time.

Is Fall falling?

I was beginning to sorta, kinda fall in like with Fall. Again.

My favorite season at one time. Back then, before my whole entire, little world was ripped out from around me.

Ripped out from me, through me, my entire being, ripped to shreds actually. I am barely glued together with the love of my five Sons.

My womb finally bursting with the pain of it, it had to be taken out of me in 2010.

I can only slightly still feel the womb wrenching I used to feel.

Until time, finally made adjustments for me.

In 2009, the pain in said womb became more than physical. Spiritually speaking also, I bled all sorts of ways. Here we go again, streaming hot tears soaking my front. On occasion, I still cry out

how sorry I am, deeply so. “Jordan, Jordan, why, why, why?”. How could I have not seen such a thing coming? How didn’t anybody?

I can’t breathe right now, I sit here looking over at his beautiful smile in the picture that has been part of his little shrine since.

Banging in my ears all of a sudden is “Back in Black” by the incredibles…AC/DC….as I am trying to quietly keep my tears to myself…Jordan has three brothers sleeping in the bedrooms here. But I am laughing and crying at the same time…hearing…***.I am back in black, mama*** I picture those cartoon t-shirts that Jordan adored wearing with some black jeans, any jeans. His signature look, either a rock n roll or cartoon t-shirt and jeans. My thoughts get to turn to Halloween times and all the fun we had. I have moments where I can think of good and fun moments now.  Oh and the pictures!!

So many birthdays start in the Fall. Holidays, big, family times that have not been the same for so many years now.

On so many levels.

I could smell the seasons changing just a bit ago. I had a couple little tingly feelings, thinking “hey now, am I liking this?” Course I also sorta kinda felt like I had met my match in a relationship too. I should have known better. I will say this; he and I did share some wonderful moments together. Things went horribly wrong. I was not doing well, at all. My self was trying to tell me something and once again, I shunned her. Okay, not shunned cuz I had a lot of thoughts, but basically told her “No, I do it my way.” Wrongo. Againo. (Dam, I gotta start listening better)

When I received the documents a couple weeks back, I was stunned and shocked.  Two different pieces of mail, remember?

Mr. S. M. Kaghazi, trying to get some changes made to the child support that he has owed for a very, very long time.

Here I am, sadness creeping all over, unexpectedly everywhere and the father of my dead child(ouch, how else do I say that without it cutting so deeply, my child who murdered himself, I mean what?!)  wants to not have to pay for back child support.

Thing is, I was thinking, since this is the year of getting it done, that I would finally fight for that money in order to get it to Spence. Half. Come on now, I supported the boys, not in a grand style, but I tell you what, us four did it. My three youngest Sons and  I. Took a bit, but I got us into a house, finally, I remember that being a glorious day, beyond that,  I had done this for us!! A promise was made, once we got out of the apartment that a doggie could be got. Serendipity stepped in,   we received Petey, our white boxer within 2 months of getting us into that cute two story blue house. Oh my, my bed and bathroom were flippin incredible, whew, hold on…I am thinking back.  If we could have that house here snuggled up in Central Cali…oh yeah…oh forgive me, I digress~ fantasies and all that jazz, tee hee. Anyhoo,   we struggled sure, a woman raising three boys on her own, but the love we had for one another, was the glue.

Me and my Five Sons, it’s pretty much just alwaze been us, even when we didn’t have the complete us.

Now that these boys of mine are mostly grown, the youngest younger will be 18 at the end of the year, I know I did darn okay in raising them.  At this moment they range from 31 yrs of age to 17.

Good man/boys I got, my Wolf pack.

Today, I go to court with this man again, the MEM I call him. I even dislike writing this here as his Son will read someday and I have bitten my tongue in half at times trying to keep my feelings of this man to myself. But, it is what it is. This person was/is not good to me in any kind of way. Whew….those sessions back in the day were overwhelming, frightening and left me lost and confused, the torture sessions and the court sessions.

All I wanted was away from the madness with my Sons.

Perhaps I should see this as a reckoning of sorts. Spence sees it that way, I believe.  All the kid has to go on is what he has been fed from his father and then of course, all the days we spent together, um he is still here, its been a lot of days!! His father has been doing everything the “books” say to NOT do for parents with children of separation.  It is also the classic; the parent who is not in the home is the revered.

I am trying to remain calm, cool, collected.  After all, reckoning?, and I am surely not speaking of the dollars.

Don’t give up now

Don’t give up now, not after the battles we’ve won.

Heated blasts we’ve overcome.

It became all too treacherous, devious and frightening.

Occasionally beating off the lechers and those charmers with a fist.

Truthfully, the shit could take another one down.

Of course, hurting souls are to be expected.

Instead of the hurts burning alone, inside, stuck churning.

Facing up to what is offered can turn.

Turn into valid lessons. It is a bittersweet honey.

The wicked and wild transgressions heaped upon shall be the ashes of our Rising Phoenix.

Colors bold, blue, black, yellow and red explode, abound around us.

Glimpses of the gleaming light we must heed.

Wishes to be the practitioner, not the lecturer. A safeguard.

Hold my hand, I have your heart.

Blessings and Bliss amid the chaos, we choose to stand together.

KS 2012

Hey out there, it’s Me!!

The bench of concrete I sat my aching bones on is chilly cold. Like the World is to me right now. Suppose the gray in the sky could add to the cold.

I feel love when C sweetly kisses me on the head as he leaves. Or in S throwing, well, better word: tossing me, a winning scratcher… those are some warmies.

Sweet gestures yes but what if your love bank is in the negative? I feel as if I’ve kept on soldiering even when I could have, realistically, just folded up.

I’m tired.

Maybe it is just all the chaotic fighting and backhanded bullying that is weighing me down.

They ( S n C) my two youngest youngers, like to claim that since they don’t’ get too emotional in their voice or raising said voice as they lob their poisonous missiles, that its okay.

I could let it go, mostly, those venom filled voices, really just echoing shadows of what it is they are actually feeling. Some of us are just incapable of relating what our churning minds and hearts are trying to say. I am only learning it myself and in less than a month…um, let’s just say, half a century??? Holy Moly…okay wait, I digress….I could also let it go, mostly, because I completely understand why they could have such feelings of resentment or bitterness towards me. I drug em through it, no doubt about it.

The missiles, as they look at me with these eyes filled with pain, have become too much.  It’s misdirected and misunderstood.  I know this, in my mind.  It’s my heart, in fact, my very Spirit that is being severely wounded by their choice of words, their choice in a fighting style (which to me, is all grizzly bear (cub) like.  Cubs because they are my babies.

I can forgive this.

After all, I feel a little more solid today.  Mind, Body, Spirit- I’ll get it together.

Coming to the water, and when I say water, I mean the majestic, marvelous, mysterious Ocean.  I can get my scales back.  My scales of balance. Not some mermaid sea creature!  Aw, but I can dream…hold on…  my hair drips a little salt water, hehe…okay, I pretend.  I brought myself here, up the little hill of sand in front of lg station #8.  I marinate in the crashes of the water.  Those surfers out there get it….I wish I had learned to surf…perhaps I still can, just with a shark cage around me.

I slowly start to release or rather relax, start doing breathing…deep breath in through my nose…hold…count of 7, then slowly release at a count of 10.  As I get some cleansing breaths in, at this point, at about the third breath, I can start to feel my mind relaxing.

This day I ask for cleansing as I imagine the swirl and push pull of the heavy life force of the Ocean coursing through me.

I imagine the pains and hurts, anguish, despair, loneliness and downright fear to go with the water, away from me.  Out of me.

I ask for love to take its steed.

Let me be a LoveBeacon LightHouse.

 

ps:  I absolutely have to update again to say, just as I was jotting this down, sitting in the slightly sunnied kitchen table, that boy/man who will soon be 18 walked by,

As he did, nothing was said.  He did reach over and sorta kinda scrub my head.

A LoveTouch.  Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.