I was beginning to sorta, kinda fall in like with Fall. Again.
My favorite season at one time. Back then, before my whole entire, little world was ripped out from around me.
Ripped out from me, through me, my entire being, ripped to shreds actually. I am barely glued together with the love of my five Sons.
My womb finally bursting with the pain of it, it had to be taken out of me in 2010.
I can only slightly still feel the womb wrenching I used to feel.
Until time, finally made adjustments for me.
In 2009, the pain in said womb became more than physical. Spiritually speaking also, I bled all sorts of ways. Here we go again, streaming hot tears soaking my front. On occasion, I still cry out
how sorry I am, deeply so. “Jordan, Jordan, why, why, why?”. How could I have not seen such a thing coming? How didn’t anybody?
I can’t breathe right now, I sit here looking over at his beautiful smile in the picture that has been part of his little shrine since.
Banging in my ears all of a sudden is “Back in Black” by the incredibles…AC/DC….as I am trying to quietly keep my tears to myself…Jordan has three brothers sleeping in the bedrooms here. But I am laughing and crying at the same time…hearing…***.I am back in black, mama*** I picture those cartoon t-shirts that Jordan adored wearing with some black jeans, any jeans. His signature look, either a rock n roll or cartoon t-shirt and jeans. My thoughts get to turn to Halloween times and all the fun we had. I have moments where I can think of good and fun moments now. Oh and the pictures!!
So many birthdays start in the Fall. Holidays, big, family times that have not been the same for so many years now.
On so many levels.
I could smell the seasons changing just a bit ago. I had a couple little tingly feelings, thinking “hey now, am I liking this?” Course I also sorta kinda felt like I had met my match in a relationship too. I should have known better. I will say this; he and I did share some wonderful moments together. Things went horribly wrong. I was not doing well, at all. My self was trying to tell me something and once again, I shunned her. Okay, not shunned cuz I had a lot of thoughts, but basically told her “No, I do it my way.” Wrongo. Againo. (Dam, I gotta start listening better)
When I received the documents a couple weeks back, I was stunned and shocked. Two different pieces of mail, remember?
Mr. S. M. Kaghazi, trying to get some changes made to the child support that he has owed for a very, very long time.
Here I am, sadness creeping all over, unexpectedly everywhere and the father of my dead child(ouch, how else do I say that without it cutting so deeply, my child who murdered himself, I mean what?!) wants to not have to pay for back child support.
Thing is, I was thinking, since this is the year of getting it done, that I would finally fight for that money in order to get it to Spence. Half. Come on now, I supported the boys, not in a grand style, but I tell you what, us four did it. My three youngest Sons and I. Took a bit, but I got us into a house, finally, I remember that being a glorious day, beyond that, I had done this for us!! A promise was made, once we got out of the apartment that a doggie could be got. Serendipity stepped in, we received Petey, our white boxer within 2 months of getting us into that cute two story blue house. Oh my, my bed and bathroom were flippin incredible, whew, hold on…I am thinking back. If we could have that house here snuggled up in Central Cali…oh yeah…oh forgive me, I digress~ fantasies and all that jazz, tee hee. Anyhoo, we struggled sure, a woman raising three boys on her own, but the love we had for one another, was the glue.
Me and my Five Sons, it’s pretty much just alwaze been us, even when we didn’t have the complete us.
Now that these boys of mine are mostly grown, the youngest younger will be 18 at the end of the year, I know I did darn okay in raising them. At this moment they range from 31 yrs of age to 17.
Good man/boys I got, my Wolf pack.
Today, I go to court with this man again, the MEM I call him. I even dislike writing this here as his Son will read someday and I have bitten my tongue in half at times trying to keep my feelings of this man to myself. But, it is what it is. This person was/is not good to me in any kind of way. Whew….those sessions back in the day were overwhelming, frightening and left me lost and confused, the torture sessions and the court sessions.
All I wanted was away from the madness with my Sons.
Perhaps I should see this as a reckoning of sorts. Spence sees it that way, I believe. All the kid has to go on is what he has been fed from his father and then of course, all the days we spent together, um he is still here, its been a lot of days!! His father has been doing everything the “books” say to NOT do for parents with children of separation. It is also the classic; the parent who is not in the home is the revered.
I am trying to remain calm, cool, collected. After all, reckoning?, and I am surely not speaking of the dollars.