Fall is falling. So What.

These days, weeks, now a month have been a fabulous, chaotic, Spirit filling wonderfulness and not so much wonderfulness. Thus is life.

I am sharing a page from my journal; 10.28.12 Perhaps it is a little fitting for the

Falling season.

*Wow and cool. I am sitting here writing by candle light and it took me back right quick. Somewhere, writing by candlewick, oops, that just popped in there but I did say candle light.

Lately, it seems, in my own mind , because what is being described is so far from the truth of me – Like for instance, being called evil. I try and figure why it bothers me so and at this moment, besides barely even holding evil thoughts, let alone deeds, it could be the fact that I feel such evil has permeated my life and it’s all I can do, at times, to keep my head above the muck and the mire.

So what I like;  incense, crystals, homeopathic remedies, aromatherapy, yummy baths (a water thing)candles and feel as if I can commune with nature like its nobodies business. .

So what I am able to “catch” peoples thoughts, (I don’t wish to read minds as it seems an invasion of privacy.) Tarot cards? Any gifts I have are straight from the Divine.

 

Let me add here (not in journal))= that the things that I may do,  come naturally, whether it was my fascination with the whole God story, how people tick., why a mom could kill her child. (okay, that hurt, fuck.) Shoot I’ve been fascinated with watching shows as “most evil” or “what makes a psychopath??”  and all the old horror movies, yep, fascinated as I watched with one eyeball, the other being covered with my hand, scared out of my wits but lovin it!  Twilight zone and anything to do with magic!, I dream of Jeanie, I mean come on, that’s cool stuff!) Sinbad, dinosaurs, history, unexplained, oh heck all of it. Who am I kidding? Insane reader as I am, I’ve done a lot of lookie looin via words also. Being in love with nature, animals, and wait for it, the babies and up, all them youngers, (wish I could reach out to a lot of the youth in some way). Hmmmm

Just doin me, the only way I knew to do.  And still know to do.

My first set of Tarot cards were picked up by me in some quirky cool store in Long Beach, years, and years ago. I felt them, played with them a little, and read for my sister. Read of her impending divorce. I stopped with the Tarot cards, in fact, threw those away I was so upset for her. Since I have come full circle, you know, towards the real me, again, finally.  I’ve slowly brought things into my life again. Items that work with my Divine gifts. I have book upon book of “how to do this”, and “how to learn      that” (palmistry, how to regress yourself, how to tune into your psychic vibes, and the list goes on) but the only book I’ve studied and re read and then looked at again was the Bible. After all, prophets wrote this. Gee…I bow down.

Natural gifts that I was born with. Born with them, and for a time, lost or disconnected myself from my direct link.  I had no teacher except for the Spiritual sort.

Sometimes, most times, if women have these natural gifts, (healing also, I might add) it is passed down from woman to woman through the generations.

I don’t quite know the rumor mill–its alwaze been the case though.  Fuck, its tiresome and I wish to not cry so very much anymore.

Now let me light the fire for the cauldron….hehehehehe

Falling Fall part 2

You recall how I wish to enjoy Fall once again?

I made myself excited to see the extremely early items for purchase in the stores, only due the bringing about in my mind, lovely memories of decorated, candy seeking boys.

I scanned all the porches of the homes I would pass in my journeys to look for signs of the upcoming holiday, I got Ava involved one afternoon and we stopped at all the coolest ones.  A purple, glittery spider sitting hugely on one roof, she wished to get up on it.  “Next time, babygirl, we bring a ladder.”

I am patiently waiting to wander about a pumpkin patch but in the mean-time I am tasting all the Fall flavors in my mouth that I can! Spence wasn’t real thrilled with the pumpkin spice coffee creamer I picked (What kid? Pumpkin pie is your fave, Yes? Oh well.) He puts it in the fridge mumbling “girls”…..I chuckled then, I chuckle now. Birthday night I chose butternut squash soup after requesting a sample. Smelling the perfect warmth of it, I gleefully told my Son, “Oh yeah, I…” did not even finish my sentence before my boy ordered for us. He knows what Mama likes.

Then it was an impromptu visit to a dear friend up in the mountains. Talk about a Fall look!!

I wish to decorate my house in all the colors I saw these last days….brilliant maroon orange leaves, so bright against the pure green trees that are still glowing. There was this smaller tree nestled in between some taller of those green ones I spoke of. Glowed red and “look at me, look at me!!”, bursting from her beauty. I looked, awed and took some serious deep breaths, to bring it all inside me. There was beauty everywhere I was walking, right beside me, holding my hand.

So everywhere I could see became magnificently magical.

I am grateful, blessed and motivated. Thank you.

Is Fall falling?

I was beginning to sorta, kinda fall in like with Fall. Again.

My favorite season at one time. Back then, before my whole entire, little world was ripped out from around me.

Ripped out from me, through me, my entire being, ripped to shreds actually. I am barely glued together with the love of my five Sons.

My womb finally bursting with the pain of it, it had to be taken out of me in 2010.

I can only slightly still feel the womb wrenching I used to feel.

Until time, finally made adjustments for me.

In 2009, the pain in said womb became more than physical. Spiritually speaking also, I bled all sorts of ways. Here we go again, streaming hot tears soaking my front. On occasion, I still cry out

how sorry I am, deeply so. “Jordan, Jordan, why, why, why?”. How could I have not seen such a thing coming? How didn’t anybody?

I can’t breathe right now, I sit here looking over at his beautiful smile in the picture that has been part of his little shrine since.

Banging in my ears all of a sudden is “Back in Black” by the incredibles…AC/DC….as I am trying to quietly keep my tears to myself…Jordan has three brothers sleeping in the bedrooms here. But I am laughing and crying at the same time…hearing…***.I am back in black, mama*** I picture those cartoon t-shirts that Jordan adored wearing with some black jeans, any jeans. His signature look, either a rock n roll or cartoon t-shirt and jeans. My thoughts get to turn to Halloween times and all the fun we had. I have moments where I can think of good and fun moments now.  Oh and the pictures!!

So many birthdays start in the Fall. Holidays, big, family times that have not been the same for so many years now.

On so many levels.

I could smell the seasons changing just a bit ago. I had a couple little tingly feelings, thinking “hey now, am I liking this?” Course I also sorta kinda felt like I had met my match in a relationship too. I should have known better. I will say this; he and I did share some wonderful moments together. Things went horribly wrong. I was not doing well, at all. My self was trying to tell me something and once again, I shunned her. Okay, not shunned cuz I had a lot of thoughts, but basically told her “No, I do it my way.” Wrongo. Againo. (Dam, I gotta start listening better)

When I received the documents a couple weeks back, I was stunned and shocked.  Two different pieces of mail, remember?

Mr. S. M. Kaghazi, trying to get some changes made to the child support that he has owed for a very, very long time.

Here I am, sadness creeping all over, unexpectedly everywhere and the father of my dead child(ouch, how else do I say that without it cutting so deeply, my child who murdered himself, I mean what?!)  wants to not have to pay for back child support.

Thing is, I was thinking, since this is the year of getting it done, that I would finally fight for that money in order to get it to Spence. Half. Come on now, I supported the boys, not in a grand style, but I tell you what, us four did it. My three youngest Sons and  I. Took a bit, but I got us into a house, finally, I remember that being a glorious day, beyond that,  I had done this for us!! A promise was made, once we got out of the apartment that a doggie could be got. Serendipity stepped in,   we received Petey, our white boxer within 2 months of getting us into that cute two story blue house. Oh my, my bed and bathroom were flippin incredible, whew, hold on…I am thinking back.  If we could have that house here snuggled up in Central Cali…oh yeah…oh forgive me, I digress~ fantasies and all that jazz, tee hee. Anyhoo,   we struggled sure, a woman raising three boys on her own, but the love we had for one another, was the glue.

Me and my Five Sons, it’s pretty much just alwaze been us, even when we didn’t have the complete us.

Now that these boys of mine are mostly grown, the youngest younger will be 18 at the end of the year, I know I did darn okay in raising them.  At this moment they range from 31 yrs of age to 17.

Good man/boys I got, my Wolf pack.

Today, I go to court with this man again, the MEM I call him. I even dislike writing this here as his Son will read someday and I have bitten my tongue in half at times trying to keep my feelings of this man to myself. But, it is what it is. This person was/is not good to me in any kind of way. Whew….those sessions back in the day were overwhelming, frightening and left me lost and confused, the torture sessions and the court sessions.

All I wanted was away from the madness with my Sons.

Perhaps I should see this as a reckoning of sorts. Spence sees it that way, I believe.  All the kid has to go on is what he has been fed from his father and then of course, all the days we spent together, um he is still here, its been a lot of days!! His father has been doing everything the “books” say to NOT do for parents with children of separation.  It is also the classic; the parent who is not in the home is the revered.

I am trying to remain calm, cool, collected.  After all, reckoning?, and I am surely not speaking of the dollars.