The bench of concrete I sat my aching bones on is chilly cold. Like the World is to me right now. Suppose the gray in the sky could add to the cold.
I feel love when C sweetly kisses me on the head as he leaves. Or in S throwing, well, better word: tossing me, a winning scratcher… those are some warmies.
Sweet gestures yes but what if your love bank is in the negative? I feel as if I’ve kept on soldiering even when I could have, realistically, just folded up.
Maybe it is just all the chaotic fighting and backhanded bullying that is weighing me down.
They ( S n C) my two youngest youngers, like to claim that since they don’t’ get too emotional in their voice or raising said voice as they lob their poisonous missiles, that its okay.
I could let it go, mostly, those venom filled voices, really just echoing shadows of what it is they are actually feeling. Some of us are just incapable of relating what our churning minds and hearts are trying to say. I am only learning it myself and in less than a month…um, let’s just say, half a century??? Holy Moly…okay wait, I digress….I could also let it go, mostly, because I completely understand why they could have such feelings of resentment or bitterness towards me. I drug em through it, no doubt about it.
The missiles, as they look at me with these eyes filled with pain, have become too much. It’s misdirected and misunderstood. I know this, in my mind. It’s my heart, in fact, my very Spirit that is being severely wounded by their choice of words, their choice in a fighting style (which to me, is all grizzly bear (cub) like. Cubs because they are my babies.
I can forgive this.
After all, I feel a little more solid today. Mind, Body, Spirit- I’ll get it together.
Coming to the water, and when I say water, I mean the majestic, marvelous, mysterious Ocean. I can get my scales back. My scales of balance. Not some mermaid sea creature! Aw, but I can dream…hold on… my hair drips a little salt water, hehe…okay, I pretend. I brought myself here, up the little hill of sand in front of lg station #8. I marinate in the crashes of the water. Those surfers out there get it….I wish I had learned to surf…perhaps I still can, just with a shark cage around me.
I slowly start to release or rather relax, start doing breathing…deep breath in through my nose…hold…count of 7, then slowly release at a count of 10. As I get some cleansing breaths in, at this point, at about the third breath, I can start to feel my mind relaxing.
This day I ask for cleansing as I imagine the swirl and push pull of the heavy life force of the Ocean coursing through me.
I imagine the pains and hurts, anguish, despair, loneliness and downright fear to go with the water, away from me. Out of me.
I ask for love to take its steed.
Let me be a LoveBeacon LightHouse.
ps: I absolutely have to update again to say, just as I was jotting this down, sitting in the slightly sunnied kitchen table, that boy/man who will soon be 18 walked by,
As he did, nothing was said. He did reach over and sorta kinda scrub my head.
A LoveTouch. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.