Lovelies

Oh, some days a body can just feel as if they are just floating through the moments with no meaning. The silly woulda, shoulda, couldas come into the scene. Flip. So you go with it, we must feel our feelings and sort it out. Hopefully, as for me, ( usually ) these moments are far and few between for all.

I have had a few months of this which is just not the norm for me. Bleh.

It has become tortuous and soul clogging. But great change comes from the depths of the uglies, I know this. It doesn’t help a lot right now but I know this for a fact. I have had many Phoenix Rising moments in my life. Yes I know the rise above , just above. Sometimes you cannot see it, even feel it but it is there. Waiting for me to look up and see outside the cloud that may surround me. Who am I kidding?, it is surrounding me.

It’s been a rough and changing up Summer and it just has taken its toll.

I wake up everyday though and early as I woke up this morning, cuz of the gol danged sprinklers in the back yard, which are doing a bang up job cuz the yard looks flippin amazing, (I was just out there scanning as I drank my coffee. Hammock, please!) This day when I woke up though, aw, this day there were a couple of cyber lovelies that made all the muck worth it.

A message from my Gbaby Girls Mama, thanking me for taking such good care of the precious Ava then a tweet from my 19 yr old Son: “I have the best mom in the world, just so you know.”

Okay, seriously, the smile stays but my cheeks hurt.

The Phoenix Rises.

Moments in my madness

Getting to spend time with my youngest youngers, with a pop over visit from an older of my youngers! was heart warming and info ridden.

I don’t get much time with my boy/mens these days, it’s that age and I get it but I cannot help but think about how every second of my life, pretty much, was wrapped tightly around them. Now they are off into the days and nights with the reckless abandon that young ones get to do! Which I dig and don’t. I can’t help that this is a hurtful thing right now. The saddest part is that I’ve been trying to get through this fact that the offspring will be leaving this cocoon soon, by about 2 years now. Still the thought of it all is a bit overwhelming.

What happens when everything you know changes? Like with a death that you thought could never happen to you, a divorce, children leaving? You just get goin. Hopefully, as I so blessedly did, there are people around you who care deeply and will do anything to help set you right.

At least this time I did, this tragedy that shook my world so I thought I could feel my womb splitting. The massive love of three new grand-babies in three years did it too:-)Usually, I am alone and struggling with whatever life issues I may be facing. Lets see, cancer, abusive men, uncaring fathers, no father, no family that really gave two shits.

I was reminded of that, harshly and heart wrenchingly so when I had to visit the courthouse with my son just a few days back. Driving there, no problem, when I arrive on foot and stare up at that building where so much of mine and my son’s lives played out, I just shiver. Bravely I try to hide the ugliness that tries to take over so I  then instead,  write in my journal. Years of battle raged, waged over us…eeeww, it was horrible and soul sucking.

Then I thought back to the other court-house I had to hang out recently also. Where my first divorce took place at 21 yrs old. Alone, facing a soon to be ex husband that for sure didnt’ want me going anywhere.

Anyway, what I guess I am trying to say is, when my precious boys do decide it’s time to leave, the last of my amazing five sons, I will face it alone. Journaling and fighting the beast that continually tries to bite at us. Difference is,  I feel like I am going to have the time of my life in my winter years!

Bring it on.