Shockwave

Originally written 1/12/2011

Inadvertently, I saw his name. In a place so completely unexpected that the knife that has been twisting in my womb turned sharply again. Seeing it there brought back the shock waves that rocked me and my world so devastatingly almost two years ago.

Jordan S Kaghazi. achingly the tears cascaded down. I bent my head with the weight of the agony that filled me.

I was casually looking for my birth father and bam, my precious sons’ name in a death column. No one else was in that damned column. My son was. It is so close to his date of Angeldom, I’ve been tender. So seeing that, in so much black and white print, cut me so deeply. I can only think somehow that made it more real.

It’s in official records now.

These last days I have wondered if people understand the horrificness of my lost child and the fact I will never again touch his face on this earth. I doubt people. It feels to me as if it something that has to be hidden away.  No,  my young boy took his own life, so all I can think of is his torture and what he must have been going through.

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