Cloudy

I tried to get Brady here yesterday. I tried to get him here last night.

This morning, instead of bouncing out of bed, well, as best I can bounce with these bones!, I kinda slipped out, fumbled around, it’s gotten quite darker now in these early am’s of K and ewchie, without fake sight on or in my face, it is a bit tricky!, getting round…I came out to the front of the house. By this time I could see, since I managed to get glasses on. All that was before me was so gray, dark and cold. Going outside lent more of this cept the chill was shocking to say the least!

I wanted to see the hummingbirds or squirrels even that dam possum (yes, he is a night crawler, I call him Herbie, we met last October soon after I moved into this ramshackle place),

Nothing of any beauty to greet me. So I was on my own.

Yes, the beautiful music in my ear. Popping the buds in has saved me. Like life, the music isn’t always beautiful but to me, as has been the case my whole little existence, it always speaks to me.

So I tried and Yay! If Smashmouths version of I’m a Believer didnt jolt me a tad!! So I listened. Tried to get happy…but it’s one of those. I went back to bed. That is an usual occurrence for this hopper…with the music still playing,,,last song I remember was Kenny Chesney’s You save me…(great song) and I was out.

When I re-awoke it was 7 ish…I had realized I hadn’t been up to make sure Colin was off to work. Work at his Big Bros house that is currently being remodeled. I call this house HB1.

Since our boy got kicked out of yet another flippn school, FUCK!, he has been the helper for the contractor on the project.

Colin is allergic to work. Always tended toward slovenliness, and this 6 to 4 or so job is the worst *punishment* he should have to endure.

I am loving it! Oh, I know he was only on the offensive on this latest incident that has put yet another ridiculously high speed.-bump into my world, our world. This affects the whole crew of K.

Oh yes it does.

But the boy/man cannot be sitting on his booty all these days, playing the video games. Heck no, Colin….poor, poor pitiful me Colin has to actually break a sweat doing something beside the gym or football!!

I had to finally just spill my guts to him about the fact he has had issues such as this since preschool. His mouth. The unfiltered barrage of whatever the boy is thinking. Like the “suck it bitch” that so casually was spat out at that girl two years ago.

It hurt to tell him certain things, we already have such a demanding relationship, which has been so, so challenging since his conception, to be quite honest.

So here we are. Here I am.

I wanted to leave from this broken down house before any of the school incidents had occurred and had been casually looking. Casually, what was the rush?

Then Colin gets placed in Wilson. I wanted him at Lakewood, I am so uncomfortable about the younger’s going to that school. It happened that just in the weeks before I finally had ventured downtown to the fabulous consignment, antique shops that I adore!!

(Woo hoo, I so love, love, love it! A whole nother story on this one day in particular!, yeah, good times for the Lady K) and had seen so many uni’d cops, marked cars, unmarked. I remember thinking how grateful I was that the boys were at Millikan.

 Over.

So this morning, not so horribly awful right now, I was lost and scared, confused and angry at myself.

Angry at the person who chose so unwisely in the sperm donors who blessed her with the gift of her last three sons. Yes, I give them credit there, wee did make some pretty fabulous children together. No mater what, they get like 8.5 points from me on that one. But that is it. They deserve nothing from me or their wonderful boys. They have lost so very much in the years we’ve had these boys, sometimes people are such idiots.

My point here, Fuck I am still doing all these major life changes, alone and what the hell, How much does a woman have to take before she breaks? I cannot lie, tears were coming. Not tagically, maybe the clean it out kind, I don’t know.  

Do I leave LB altogether and move to Huntington? Switch up everything? Again?

Our older brother wants that. Colin out of LB. Thinking he has not gotten off to a good start here. Member the picture incident?

He has been expelled a few times since starting here last October. And we know he is hanging out with an older group, The boy is 14 years old and a sophomore with 16 yr olds.

Spencer wants to follow as soon as he gets mobile, which is next week…Oh shitballs!! And is way excited to be going to the HB High School. He ain’t stupid,,,,,girls, girls. Girls and the ocean. Little piece of heaven for the 17 yr old!

Colin is balking. I already told him yesterday that was a huge possibility. His response, “No Mom”

Like I told him right back, “Son, it is not your choice” He still does not understand that these are the ramifications of his behaviors over the years. Something I’ve been working with him about for many, many years,

On my to do list, he wrote: Enroll Colin into school, this was underlined. Underneath he wrote: Woodrow Wilson High School.

I give him kudos for his tenacity, I always have, he is a brilliant, compassionate, loving, funny, spiritual, young man.

He has the world at his feet and this child of mine is trying his hardest to screw it up.

I’ve made it this far, I think I can do this. The problem is I just don’t want to. I am tired. My spirit has been put to the test this fucked up year and the tight wire is pretty scary up here.

Brady brightens my everything, this is why my self knew I needed him around, waking up in the mornings with his so happy self makes the hurts hide for a while.

And now, now, Holy Moly, this magical, musical Mountain Man has whipped my heart around. Shoot he has whipped everything! Yowza! This is another big deal in my life so, you see? So many paths have just split wide open in front ofme!

Again another story. A love story. We are so excited! 

Have my decisions alredy been made for me? This is what I need to meditate on.

 

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