Foggy

It’s Friday…and my spirits are no match for the gloom outside!
 
You know how I know?
 
When her music is playing and she is a happy girl, you will see and hear her do her silly dancing and singing!
 
My decision is still cloudy though…it got addled last night when both young boy/mens of mine came to me…No, they didn’t come to me, thier style is this: The second I walk through the door last night they were there to jump on the Mama!  We had seen each other many times yesterday and after making it through the shittineess of where my head was at, I thought it was over! Think again little lady.
 
Now, all week I have asked Spencer’s opinion. He brilliantly wants to be with his little bro.  See, I told you my boys are the best! This young man, having the time of his life right now, willingly ready to switch it up yet again for the sake of his brother! That tells me something great!! 
 
We have discussed but he couldn’t really give an answer.
 
So, he and Col discussed at the gym that is where the, "There she is, Let’s get her!" mentality came from when we met up again here at the home camp….
There is much improvement here,  Just last year, no, nope, beginning of this year, these two would gang up on me and bully me.  Subconsiecly they knew who the weak one was and attacked in order to get what they wanted.And mostly what they wanted was to not have thier big brother find out just what serious jag offs they were being to the Mama.
I’ve saved them from serious ass whippings! Someday they will get it and understand.
 
My wolf pac…dam…but that is over. 
 
 I’ve dealt with much more than these two who have tried to break me….haha I laugh in thier general direction!!
 
So, I again, dont know where my sons are going to end up next.
 
I walk now, talk to my peoples and the answer will come. 

Cloudy

I tried to get Brady here yesterday. I tried to get him here last night.

This morning, instead of bouncing out of bed, well, as best I can bounce with these bones!, I kinda slipped out, fumbled around, it’s gotten quite darker now in these early am’s of K and ewchie, without fake sight on or in my face, it is a bit tricky!, getting round…I came out to the front of the house. By this time I could see, since I managed to get glasses on. All that was before me was so gray, dark and cold. Going outside lent more of this cept the chill was shocking to say the least!

I wanted to see the hummingbirds or squirrels even that dam possum (yes, he is a night crawler, I call him Herbie, we met last October soon after I moved into this ramshackle place),

Nothing of any beauty to greet me. So I was on my own.

Yes, the beautiful music in my ear. Popping the buds in has saved me. Like life, the music isn’t always beautiful but to me, as has been the case my whole little existence, it always speaks to me.

So I tried and Yay! If Smashmouths version of I’m a Believer didnt jolt me a tad!! So I listened. Tried to get happy…but it’s one of those. I went back to bed. That is an usual occurrence for this hopper…with the music still playing,,,last song I remember was Kenny Chesney’s You save me…(great song) and I was out.

When I re-awoke it was 7 ish…I had realized I hadn’t been up to make sure Colin was off to work. Work at his Big Bros house that is currently being remodeled. I call this house HB1.

Since our boy got kicked out of yet another flippn school, FUCK!, he has been the helper for the contractor on the project.

Colin is allergic to work. Always tended toward slovenliness, and this 6 to 4 or so job is the worst *punishment* he should have to endure.

I am loving it! Oh, I know he was only on the offensive on this latest incident that has put yet another ridiculously high speed.-bump into my world, our world. This affects the whole crew of K.

Oh yes it does.

But the boy/man cannot be sitting on his booty all these days, playing the video games. Heck no, Colin….poor, poor pitiful me Colin has to actually break a sweat doing something beside the gym or football!!

I had to finally just spill my guts to him about the fact he has had issues such as this since preschool. His mouth. The unfiltered barrage of whatever the boy is thinking. Like the “suck it bitch” that so casually was spat out at that girl two years ago.

It hurt to tell him certain things, we already have such a demanding relationship, which has been so, so challenging since his conception, to be quite honest.

So here we are. Here I am.

I wanted to leave from this broken down house before any of the school incidents had occurred and had been casually looking. Casually, what was the rush?

Then Colin gets placed in Wilson. I wanted him at Lakewood, I am so uncomfortable about the younger’s going to that school. It happened that just in the weeks before I finally had ventured downtown to the fabulous consignment, antique shops that I adore!!

(Woo hoo, I so love, love, love it! A whole nother story on this one day in particular!, yeah, good times for the Lady K) and had seen so many uni’d cops, marked cars, unmarked. I remember thinking how grateful I was that the boys were at Millikan.

 Over.

So this morning, not so horribly awful right now, I was lost and scared, confused and angry at myself.

Angry at the person who chose so unwisely in the sperm donors who blessed her with the gift of her last three sons. Yes, I give them credit there, wee did make some pretty fabulous children together. No mater what, they get like 8.5 points from me on that one. But that is it. They deserve nothing from me or their wonderful boys. They have lost so very much in the years we’ve had these boys, sometimes people are such idiots.

My point here, Fuck I am still doing all these major life changes, alone and what the hell, How much does a woman have to take before she breaks? I cannot lie, tears were coming. Not tagically, maybe the clean it out kind, I don’t know.  

Do I leave LB altogether and move to Huntington? Switch up everything? Again?

Our older brother wants that. Colin out of LB. Thinking he has not gotten off to a good start here. Member the picture incident?

He has been expelled a few times since starting here last October. And we know he is hanging out with an older group, The boy is 14 years old and a sophomore with 16 yr olds.

Spencer wants to follow as soon as he gets mobile, which is next week…Oh shitballs!! And is way excited to be going to the HB High School. He ain’t stupid,,,,,girls, girls. Girls and the ocean. Little piece of heaven for the 17 yr old!

Colin is balking. I already told him yesterday that was a huge possibility. His response, “No Mom”

Like I told him right back, “Son, it is not your choice” He still does not understand that these are the ramifications of his behaviors over the years. Something I’ve been working with him about for many, many years,

On my to do list, he wrote: Enroll Colin into school, this was underlined. Underneath he wrote: Woodrow Wilson High School.

I give him kudos for his tenacity, I always have, he is a brilliant, compassionate, loving, funny, spiritual, young man.

He has the world at his feet and this child of mine is trying his hardest to screw it up.

I’ve made it this far, I think I can do this. The problem is I just don’t want to. I am tired. My spirit has been put to the test this fucked up year and the tight wire is pretty scary up here.

Brady brightens my everything, this is why my self knew I needed him around, waking up in the mornings with his so happy self makes the hurts hide for a while.

And now, now, Holy Moly, this magical, musical Mountain Man has whipped my heart around. Shoot he has whipped everything! Yowza! This is another big deal in my life so, you see? So many paths have just split wide open in front ofme!

Again another story. A love story. We are so excited! 

Have my decisions alredy been made for me? This is what I need to meditate on.

 

My baby boy

Another school issue happenend last week.
 
Both the youngers told me at the beginning of this school year that they would give it all they got. I’ve always asked these boys of mine, "Are you doing the best job that you can do?" That is all that matters to me academically, just give it all you got and that is all I can ask of you.
 
For Spencer and Colin, school is very important for this family.  They are the two that will go to a higher education. Something that our Jordan had all planned out and lost out on.
 
No more. We, meaning the older brothers and I, wish for these two to be able to do all the things we didn’t get, thus the importance of high school right now.
 
So, those that know, understand my issues with my brilliant baby boy….well, this time, it wasn’t him that got himself into trouble at school. Do you believe that?
 
Apparently, last school year, there was an issue. An issue with Colins’ best boy, Shane. After all was said and done, Shane had to fight a boy, a brother of a boy that a percieved slight had happenend to last year.
 
You think it may be done. No, last Wednesday, a few of these brothers and thier boys, decided to handle this continuing business at school. Schools, specially high schools, do not, and will not tolerate violence in the school. I dont blame. My boys know better anyway.
 
The two 10th graders knew something was up when the older boys, seniors, were in thier area. Member, when we were in HS, we all had our little hang areas? Gee, memories, ok, back to where I should be!
 
After stepping out of the library that day, the older boys, 5 or so were waiting. Backpacks on the ground. Now, I’ve been out of HS for many years but I still know what such a gesture means. Things will be going down.
 
Colin saw this, he dropped his backpack, next thing, my boy is clocked in the face, down he went, hello, what usually happens when you get chicken shit hit out of the blue?
 
But my boy, hopped right up and started swinging. From what I hear from the principal of our school,  he was on top of this huge dude and swinging away. Who wouldn’t? I know boys, a rage insues, you don’t hear, you dont see, you just do what you can to protect/defend yourself.
 
Girls too, been there, once or twice.
 
When the staff of the school tried to haul Colin off, he didn’t realize who was doing what. The way he told me was this, "Mom, someone grabbed my right hand, put it behind my back, then I had to use the left, the left Mom and I was going at it! Then that arm was grabbed. Did Colin stop? That would be a No, he started head butting…
 
In my opinion, my boy did what he had to do.
 
Now Colin is up for placement to another school. Because he was in a fight, Period. No matter the issue, he is gone from Millikan. The whole Millikan specialness came about because his older brothers went there…it was kinda a cool thing for us.
 
I feel like injustice has occurred here and I am one unhappy Mama!
 
What could have my boy done? Yesterday, the placement officer brings up the walking away story. Please, we all know what happens when a person does such…especially a boy, a boy in high school. Please lady, that maybe worked in grade school but Jesus Christ, not in high school!
 
The thing about this whole issue, I’ve noticed over the years how much these brothers are so alike…Colin is now followng his older bro’s same high school story! 
 
Life is such a trip.
 
 

Sentimental

So, I get some little monies and want the boys to get Millikan HS hoodies right?
 
I hear them say No, Spencer mostly, Colin would have gone with it I think but S says “I got him a blue hoodie he can wear” Ok, understand they are in school uniforms now since moving back to California. So, it’s been bit of an ordeal for me to find the exact perfect jacket for these boys…everything has something on it! They cannot have anything bigger than a quarter as a logo and it can only be blue, khaki, gold or white. We have big choices here…they will wear khaki and blue and if must the white…
 
So, Mama decides just buy the school jacket and how cool cuz everyone needs their high school sweatshirt right?
Years later…wouldn’t it be cool to have, along with yearbooks and such?
 
Nope.
 
Spencer says “Soon as I am out of high school, you think I want to remember?” “It’s over” 
 
Ok. But….then he shyly says “just kidding” cuz he knows I am such a sucker for sentiment.
 
And in my forays into the unknown which is known as the teenagers room…(hey, I do look once in a while, not like they think, but I do, I’ve seen things!!) Anyway, I’ve seen a card tucked here, a poem there…the stuff Mama has given these two rough and gruff and tough boy/mens,  around. They even keep up the dream catchers that I blessed and put up!
 
They got it in there.
 
All of the boys do, I’ve noticed the things they keep…I have Scotty’s yellow baby blanket here with me now! He carried that thing everywhere!  It’s only here cuz I have some boxes of his here.
 
In fact, all the boys keep the written things I do, now that I think about it…and I have all theirs. All their everythings! 
 
Now it is such a joy to see all the little treasures that Jordan has given me over the years. Of course, I have all of my sons treasures…these are my jewels…