This will be my second attempt at writing this am already.  I somehow deleted the first one, maybe J didn’t like it much.
The time is coming to put his body into the ground, tomorrow.  I haven’t seen my baby since his passing.  I dread the moment when I do. What do I want to remember?  His beautiful smile, the one that once he shone it upon you, you were hooked?  Or do I see the sad and broken fakeness?
He was such a gift to me, saved the lives of his brothers and my self just by being born.  He even saved Colin’s life later~  If that isn’t an angel, go ahead and tell me what one is.
He became my best buddy.  We had such fun together.  I had to relearn all the boy things that sometimes girls just don’t wanna do.  The fishing..the worm part….eeeww.. but we did it…this became a joy for him.  Dead animals were always fascinating too.
Pouring over the memories, the physical memories, is sometimes a joy and sometimes heart wrenchingly overwhelming.  I tear up now just thinking about it.  But to see all the good times we had, his brothers and I…How I am grateful.  I got chosen to be his Mommy.  How did I get so blessed? Not only with him, with all my precious boys. 
Jordan,  I know I made it perfectly clear how much I love you.  It’s been so easy to love you, adore you.  Your spirit was such a gift to this world, to me.  I am so proud of you.  You set goals for yourself and were on your way to becoming everything you had dreamed of, talked about with us.  Thank you for letting me be your Mommy, you will live forever, within me, within your siblings and all those that follow.  I love you.

My #3 Boy, Jordan.

As the hours pass, questions are being answered at least. I believe the biggest out cry was the why. From everyone around me. It is now the fourth day since my boy decided he could no longer live in this world. This morning, it was 2ish when I awoke, I feel a calm coming over me.

I asked my boy, I cried out to my boy on Friday to please let me know what it was. He talked to most of us that past week via phone and texts. He sounded, seemed to be happy, good spirits and headed towards his goals he had been speaking of for months. I was so happy for him. He struggled his young life to fit into the boxes that were laid out by his teachers and such and it just never worked for him. When I discovered his creative side, the drawing, the acting, the making of people laugh, by doing whatever it took! This is what I tried to encourage for him to stick with. So talented. I will never forget the feeling I got watching my boy do his very first “serious” play in elementary school. He practiced to memorize those lines. My boy who struggled so with reading got those words down like it was his name. He was a star that nite and all the numerous times he replayed his part. He had such a presence that kid of mine..boy, you knew he walked into a room, a house, a building! Amazing the hugeness of this soul.

That child, my 3 rd angel that I was blessed with was so loved from the moment of conception. I had two children yes, but something, that ticking thing was banging away at my soul and I had to have another child. I had miscarried in the pregnancy right before Jordan and with out skipping a beat I immediately was with child again. Jordan! All of us, Shahram, he is Ray, everyone seems to know him by Ray, myself, Shawn, Scott and Danica. These kids of ours were almost 8, 9 yrs old at this time.

The whole pregnancy was difficult for me. The physical stuff yeah for sure, but the anguish of the fact that I had yet to have a period in btwn the two pregnancies. The miscarraige happened quite early so the Drs told me everything would be fine. He was checked quite often via sonograms and such. He was named Jordan at about 6 mths. I knew he was a boy from the beginning. Just like all my boys. I knew. Turns out the little guy in my belly was breach, this a week before his due date I find out and I went into a panic. Now you have to know this, during this pregnancy I was having horrific nightmares of the previous baby being in there with Jordan, over and over again, it became quite the obsession at times but I certainly didn’t dwell on it every moment. I don’t do such things.

But you see, one of my favorite things to do was talk and pat my baby’s bottom in my belly, the one tucked up right there on the left side of my ribs, in my ribs, over my ribs, crushing my ribs..anyway..I would give it a good little pat, maybe three times and tell him “Good Baby” How’s my Jordy? So, once I found out that in those last few months of pregnancy that I was actually patting his precious head, I went into a tail spin. I thought for sure that I had done something horrible to my angel.

The day we found out that he was actually upside down the xray was scheduled. A regular xray at this time, this late in the pregnancy it is not supposed to have any effect on the child within you. So, I went, by myself, of course and the xray was done.

My God, he was an alien inside of my swollen belly! At least that was one of the thoughts that occured to me when I saw my baby on an xray! You see stuff that way bout your baby busting belly like you never get to see with the standard sonograms.

His teeth, teeth I wouldn’t see for many months, bones, his skull, (which seemed pretty big to me!) and the rest of the child that lay with in me. It was an awesome thing in a freaky kinda way.

He ended up coming to the world via a c section. Eyes so huge and opened and already taking stock of his world as he came out. he was gorgeous. A baby that suffers no trauma from the natural birthing looks different than a baby that comes that way. He was perfect. No exageration,perfect, Hair, those big eyes, the fat cheeks, those lips, my god those lips. I loved to kiss and eat on those beautiful lips of his when he was a tiny, tiny thing.

He was a light that shined. His hair grew in so incredibly curly and eventually turned into a fro head. Of course, that head of hair of his gleaned many comments and compliments. But it wasn’t just that hair or those beautiful eyes. It was his spirit. So full of love, he always had the biggest smile on his beautiful face. He loved to talk to everyone. I had to keep such close tabs on this one. He would always try and wander off to talk to people. Soon, I learned to deal with my paranoia and just follow him so he could brighten up those peoples lives for a minute. How glad I am that I chose to let him lead me for a short while.

We shared so much, we were so very,  very close. He is the one that would watch all the comedy shows with me, cook with me, tell me silly stories. I am so grateful for those 14.5 years that we got to hang out. He was such a blessing to us all. I have a story to share. When he was very young, maybe four or five, he was with his Father. They were watching Mary Poppins. Jordan thought she was me or I was her, it didn’t matter. He told his Dad I could do magic like her. On Friday I was driving around. It was the morning of J’s passing but before I knew of my child…I called his phone, thinking he was in school, I left a message on his voice mail. The message said “Mary Poppins says Hi!”

My boy in that man’s body that he just wasn’t prepared for. I love you Jordan, I wish you could be growing in my belly all over again. Please come to us, however you do, just come to us.

We know now that he was confused and had been for way too long, something most everyone, everyone except for maybe one special person that got to know my boy better than most. Thank you D.

I cannot bring my ray of sunshine back, but every ray of sunshine that I see, everything silly that we would laugh together over and I do mean silly, he will laugh right along with me. Thank you Jordan for everything you brought to us and will bring to us.

May your spirit finally settle and rest, the peace that you longed for is yours now.

Maybe mistakes?

For the first time since all the chaos and change has occured these last months, I finally broke down and shed the tears.  I had to do another difficult thing just this morning.
I went to bed last night with the thought on my mind, Kristina, you will wake up in the morning and know what to do about this work situation.  Most of the people’s in my world know exactly what I am talking about.  When I arose to the alarm, I didn’t know, after my shower and that red bull, I knew. I had to quit. Got all ready, spoke with Spencer and David and told them, I will be quitting.  Didn’t know it would be today but as it turns out, yes today.  I drove, full of serenity cuz I knew this huge ugly weight would be lifted soon. I actually thought I would stay the week becuz the bossman would be leaving for Montana on Wed. and I could do the payroll at least.  The guys that work there are so so cool and I liked most every single one of them, i wanted to be able to do at least that. But as I drove up of course,  bossman was there, he usually isn’t til later in the day.  I came in, perfectly,  he was in his office, couldn’t see me.  I walked in, said Good Morning.  No response from either T or D. Fine, got my charger, put the keys, phone and bankcard on the desk.  Oh, and the  toilet paper.  Cannot forget the tp.  Friday he threw money at me and told me to get toilet paper!  So, I had the jumbo pack sitting on my desk too..Would have been perfect if I could have put a little post it on the tp and said..something clever, kiss my ass comes to mind.
My life has had major changes in 2008, a lot of things have rocked my world in the last few months and just now as  I was fixin to start the dishes, the pouration started.  In fact, I feel it coming now, again.  You know the kind that starts in your gut and comes gushing out?  Yes, cuz it has happened to us all? All my life looking for the right thing and I just cannot afford to stop now.  There was no way I was going to continue at that place with him as  my boss, absolutely not.  A couple of Fridays ago, this abrasive stress ball made me cry by yelling at me from his office while I was on the fucking phone!  That was the end.  There have been moments of sexual harrassment, more than 3 occasions of crap and another woman told me something.  He is one of those cavemen with his hands dragging behind him kicking up the dust.
As soon as I complete my cleansing cry it will all be better. Better in time, I listen to the cutie Leona singing in my ears right now, and oh yeah, better in time.