State of the City of Long Beach

When S brought me here in June for the baby shower, I distinctly remember how I felt sitting in his car while he was driving all over in the greeness of this part of So.Cal.  I felt like a dog who hangs out the window barely keeping his tongue from blowing off in the winds created.  I did! It was so awesome being back here and then the prettiness of all the green trees and grass was just thrilling to me after the barrenness of the desert.  Oh, there was beauty there but a whole different kind.
 
Don’t get me wrong I am still completely loving it here, in our new little old house.  But taking my walks that I do, I’ve noticed the trash and debris and general crap that litters the streets and really badly in the ditch I pass by every day almost.  The same ditch that runs right behind here.
 
It makes me upset and sad that we are doing this to our beautiful city.  When I was in HB taking my walks, I didnt’ see all this shit everywhere that I do here.  Same as in AZ.  Why right here?
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walkin

I went for my usual walk..just instead of walking West I chose East today,
 
 I came around the corner and was completely blasted by the smelliness and wild winded vehicles. 
 
It was especially bad today but then I walk a block and what do you know a stampede of high backed yellow school buses, it was either a roll call or convoy to Vegas.
 
So my breathing was specially difficult today but, but I have to say doing the yoga these past four days has made a huge difference in this scarred from smoking Mama.
 
Yep, finally started doing instead of talking.
 
 And, it has been a blessing. Course, doing some of these moves has been a bit of a hilarious challenge for this 45 yr old, who back in the day let me tell you could do backbends, head to knee drops so my hands were flat on the floor.  Shit, nowadays, after sitting at a desk job for so long and my back being what it is…I am happy I can get on the floor and do the legs over the head thing.  Glad no
 
one is here to witness, not yet anyway...
 
It would be much better for all if I practice a minute before anyone else can gaze upon my trials!

Despair?

That call yesterday, my first resume response, I finally talked to her today after the phone tag time that ticked by.  After we finally spoke as I was standing in the frozen food section trying my darndest to find green beans, not the long skinny ones, you know the fat ones?  Once she realized I lived in Long Beach she informed me they want someone who lives in Orange Cty.  So, after a great conversation, I got dumped cuz I live in the LB.  So for a minute here I got a crushing feeling, despair, sinking.  Only for a minute. Because I,  well bottom line, Mama here broke.  But, it only lasted a minute, I quickly got over it. After all, soon as I got home from the grocery store, I sent out at least 5 more resumes. That is good cuz normally it would be about two a day and that was, oh I don’t perhaps 10 for today!
                               Round of applause and it is all good.

Give me my perfect job please

 
I ain’t going to say it has been unbearable, this not working shit.  It has officially been two weeks as of last Friday.  It has been helpful since we just moved in.  Heck, I just organized C’s room.  Poor kid, really ain’t got nothing in there anymore since I am using his bed, tv and his dresser is being used as the very computer desk I am plucking away at right now.  My point.  I’d really like my perfect job, no,  the job that will pay the bills but will be perfect, to happen within the next two weeks.  Make it happen.  There I threw it out there, now let us see if the Universe really can hear our thoughts and wishes.  I read that just recently so wth, I will try it.
I am sitting here right now with my zune buds blasting all kinds of awesome music, I’ve become addicted to my pink little buddy. Thanks C for the groovy Mother’s Day gift.  It ranks pretty high but some other beautiful gifts come to mind as I write here.  The glass.  The glass that was so pretty cuz it had sunflowers on it. It was a sad day when that little trinket got broken and we couldn’t use it anymore.  The hand made gifts from school that I got from all my boys were the most precious of all. Sounds cliche? Yes but I am totally sentimental. I’ve lost so much of the cutie little and big things that I had collected over the years, it is heart breaking to me.  But, it makes the gifts I still have all the more precious. So Thank you my sons.
 
Ok, I just got a voice mail for a response to my resume. This is the first one since I’ve been sending it out! 

Me and Love

I’ve been listening to Heidi Newfields song "Johnny and June" and wishing to myself for that kind of love.  But, just this early am, as I was walking, I thought to my self, Do you really need to have another failed relationship?  If you gotta have something, make do with the FWB thing that Dbl D and I discussed oh so many times. Cuz, it seriously has been a bumpy road.  Course most of the time I had no idea, no, take that back, every time, I was clueless.  Wonder if age will make a difference? I wonder too. 
I do believe this matter deserves some consideration so I will hold onto for a minute then make up my mind..my minute could end up taking a year…just so you know.

My 3rd son, issue #1

A couple of days ago, Jordan first calls Spencer, these are #3 and 4. respectivley, then I talk to him.  I learn he and his father have gotten into a fight.  When speaking to the men, I could tell it was the heat of the moment.  Especially since Ray says, "I want him out of here. Either he goes to your house or I am putting him into a f______ boot camp."  Ok, I answer.  I spoke with Jordan again and told him give me some minutes to figure this out.
 
Now, since Spencer’s visit to his Dad’s house in Vegas, with Kristi and Jordan, things have been funky.  It always got that way when the boys either went to the Dad’s together or seperately, Ray is always and I mean always, talking shit about me.  Years worth.   It is hard keeping my mouth shut but for the most part I do.  Really nothing to gain by trying to justify anything that freak would say. He is what he is.
 
Jordan hasn’t returned calls since that weekend.  I haven’t spoken to him once since the Mom bashing to Spence.  "No seriously, how did she get so skinny?  She has to be doing crack or something"  Spence responded with "You don’t know what you are talking about"  The Dad, says "Yeah, she is doing something"  Nice, how people think, assume, even when told the truth.  Spence even told him it was cuz I was eating right and sht,  even these days walking! 
 
 But to each his own, my previos boss thought the same thing.
 
So, we had a family meeting when Scott dropped by later.
 
The conclusion was, NO.  After how J treated you and all the crap talk?  Only talking to me when they need something, both of them, Ray and Jordan.  These last weeks I’ve been cALling Jordy, Ray Jr.  He is acting just like him.  That is why I fought and fought to keep Jordan with me. He didn’t want to. Not till a few months after living with his Dad full time and a few months after that. Ray or actually,  Shahram Mohammed Kaghazi, his real name, is not the man I had hoped Spencer or Jordan would use as a role model. I know, I know, I picked him. Believe me,  I know.
 
But in the beginning of thier little selves I thought they would stay with me and we would do ok.